We Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over Again!

Of course you do, because you love one another and are trying to express something which you desperately want your partner to hear. Emotion is the messenger of love, and emotion is driving your arguing and longing to feel safe, secure and connected in this most important relationship.

Over time couples develop negative patterns of interaction that are fueled by our attachment needs. As humans we are hard wired to attach to a significant other, and when that attachment or bond feels shaky or threatened we try to reach our partner in a variety of ways. Sometimes we become critical and judging. Sometimes we shut down, avoid and pull away. Each of these solutions are ways to protect the connection – but that gets lost in all the arguing, bickering and silent withdrawals. And then we feel alone, unloved, unimportant and unwanted. This often leads to more conflict and/or withdrawal.

Understanding these patterns helps couples identify their underlying needs, fears and longings. Processing the emotion that is driving the arguing is the first step in moving out of this negative cycle. Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy can help you and your partner feel more connected and more able to reach for one another in honest ways. No more fighting about the same thing over and over again. To learn more, reach out to Robin Sesan, Ph.D.